Are You Worthy?

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Are you worthy?  No, I mean are you REALLY worthy?  “Sure”, you say, “of course I am!” 

That’s what I thought too, until I realized that I truly wasn’t – at least in my own heart and soul.  I woke up every day to the job I’d dreamed of since I was 5 – teaching elementary school students.  I took up photography and turned it into a business, taking lovely photos of friends and family.  I had a wonderful, committed husband, a daughter who adored me and high quality friends who poured into me. 

So, what was the problem?  I didn’t see one at all.

Then the day came where I met myself.  I started questioning who I really was under the mask everyone else saw.  I was faced with the woman who had built a foundation on pretending, committed to being put together so nobody would see my pain.  It wasn’t a conscious choice, however it has served me for years.  Don’t let anyone see you – they might leave.  Don’t show too much vulnerability – you might get hurt.  Don’t give too much – you may not have enough left.

Inside I had darkness.

Darkness I didn’t want anyone to see. 

I didn’t truly feel worthy of everything that I wanted to be and do in life.  I was tied to what was deep down beneath the surface.  It was like dirt tossed into a perfect bowl of chicken noodle soup.

So where was I getting my worth from?  How had I survived all this time feeling that I had worth?  I discovered that it was from other people.  I felt worthy because other people saw me as worthy.  People loved me and told me I was smart, capable, beautiful and valuable.  I believed them, to a point. 

When I was faced with myself I realized that even though so many were voting for me, I was not voting for myself.

I had relied on all those opinions for so long and as soon as someone didn’t like me, it stung.  It affected me on a level that I didn’t understand.  Why did I take in the negativity when I was supposed to feel so good about myself?  Why couldn’t I just let it slide off me like water from a duck? 

I could let the compliments, positivity and accolades slide off much more easily.  Why?  Because they didn’t resonate with me as much.  They didn’t feel right.  They weren’t the truth.

So I wondered what to do.  I knew I wasn’t feeling worthy of the things I wanted to step into – my goals and dreams – so what was I going to do about it?!

I had two choices – ignore it and keep moving forward OR dig deep and get to the root of it.

So, I started digging.

I dug so deep I discovered that I had stuff in my past that was still taking up real estate in my mind and heart.  Even though all that stuff happened decades ago, it was still affecting my feelings and choices every day.

I had to let it go, but how?  I did some soul searching, went back and spoke to little me, let go of the things that didn’t serve me and created new meanings that would. 

For the first time in my life I began to love myself, apart from what others thought.  I had friends and acquaintances who came to me right around that time, getting upset with and challenging me. 

A coincidence? I think not! 

In the past, this would have broken me.  At that point, I took it as an opportunity to step into my greatness, my vulnerability, my worth.  Was it hard?  Yes.  Was it worth it?  Absolutely!

I stepped into loving myself more than loving their opinions.  I began seeing my worth for who I was and not what I had or did.  I explored trusting that I was whole and complete apart from what they thought.

I stepped into loving myself – and I’ve never looked back.

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